Galatians and the Love Boat

"I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."--Galatians 2:20b

In seminary I took a class on Galatians with Ben Witherington that was slightly intimidating for the amount of Greek in which we were supposed to be proficient.  I didn't feel I quite had the acumen for the class but I managed to limp through with my Greek text and companion interlinear (that had both Greek and English translations together).  However, in that class I began a love affair that continues to this day with Galatians.

It's a simple, if you can classify anything from the Apostle Paul as simple, six chapter book.  I've heard it called Romans for Dummies because it has it all there.  The Grace of the New Testament ultimately joins with the Peace of the Old Testament.  The sacrifice of Jesus rescues us for the glory of the Father.  Law and Death.  Faith and Life.  Slavery and Freedom.  Belief and Righteousness. Promise and Inheritance. Paul gives us an abbreviated testimony and argues against both Peter's hypocrisy and a group of 'believers' who came to know Jesus by faith and are now trying to go back and claim their inheritance instead through the Old Testament law.  Along the way, he crafts a compelling argument for faith alone in Jesus bestowing on us our righteousness from God.  We, of any persuasion, are in the same boat.  "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus...and heirs according to the promise."-3:28-29.

And now we get to my favorite part.  In chapter 5, we find out that this same boat we are in is actually the Love Boat.  There are no Gophers running around or Captain Stubing, but instead we find a wonderful thing called freedom.  As an addict, I especially like to hear about freedom.  "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free."(5:1)  It doesn't matter what we do, if we are circumcised or uncircumcised, if we have tattoos or not, if we are addicts or gossipers.  It doesn't matter if we've lived amazing rich lives or have struggled in poverty.  In the end, by faith, we rely solely on Jesus who has given himself for us for our righteousness.  What we've done or haven't done is of no importance.  "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." (5:6b)

I don't really want to pass this too quickly.  This freedom I have is not for me.  It's not so that I can eat what I want and drink what I want and do what I want.  I do have that freedom.  I don't believe a beer disqualifies me from grace.  Works will never qualify me and they can't disqualify me.  Belief, though, true belief makes me free, finally free, from the great prison of selfishness.  It is for freedom that we have been made free.  Freedom, in the end, to be able to express our faith through love.  And that love is always in service to others.

"But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love."(5:13)  Well we are really on the Love Boat now.  There is no room for selfishness in freedom.  I'm finding as I work the STEPS in recovery, so much of it is being "crucified with Christ."  I'm the worst of the worst, hopeless.  A real basket case.  I am selfish and a liar and a cheat.  I am angry and arrogant.  But God himself has made me free--and this sobriety is learning in my freedom to keep one law only, "Love your neighbor as you love yourself."  It is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  I'd say at least eight of those manifestations of the fruit of the Spirit, and probably all nine, are exercised in relationship with others.  We have peace WITH others, we are gentle TOWARD others.  Unlike the Garden of Eden, this new fruit is not forbidden.  It is offered FREELY to others--and not for us to devour ourselves.

This is the plus side of my addiction, for I have a day-to-day opportunity to live by the Spirit--and I will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.  What a blessing!

Let us truly live.

Shame--The Cave

The binge-purge system works for me when it comes to sex addiction.  I clean up for three to six weeks in the purge phase.  Trying desperately to win all the accolades, achieve the positions, do the "right" thing, and prove that I'm not a terrible unworthy person.  If I can get enough key people (especially my wife, family, and close friends) to say I'm not a POS then I can feel just barely OK for a little while.  But I know the truth and it gnaws at me from the inside out.  I'm living a lie and that adds to my feeling--scratch that--adds to my KNOWING that I'm an awful person.  The lies and the reasons that I have to lie all prove it deeply to my heart.  The anger and the conflicts are usually around someone telling me in some way that I'm not a good guy--which drives the point deeper into my soul.  Someone is able to see that I'm an asshole, a failure, a liar, a cheat, and a perversion--and that my deepest attempts to cover it all through deception are failing as well.

I can't face the monster of it all and I run to my cave.  I hole up in addiction and lay there in the warm dark.  The sticky smelly ickiness covers me and, for a while, I'm lost in the oblivion of delusion and denial.  The sludge covering me matches the sludge in my soul and I am calmed.  I am weaned and comforted by the depravity until somewhere the light breaks in and I see I'm in the cave.  I see the opening and light outside.  I smell myself and I'm repulsed.  The sludge is hard and cold now and I can't tell where I end and it begins.  But I move and it cracks--and I climb out.

I run to the cold fresh waterfall, diving under it as quickly as I can.  The torrent washes over me and I swear I will never go back to the cave again.  Drinking in the fresh water I rinse the sewage from my mouth, my eyes, and my hair.  I can breathe and I can live again.  The putrid smell washes downstream and I can even smile.  That man in the cave seems like a distant memory as I walk ligher home enjoying the freedom of cleanliness and order and peace.

But the water doesn't really touch my soul.  The taste of the cave is still deep in my throat and buried in my nostrils.  Everything is off inside me and I know that I am really a cave man, a sewage swimmer, who only pretends to to be clean for a time.  The voice of the waste will call me back because it is the truest voice I know.  Everything else is a lie.  Who can love a man like me?  I look up finally and am only slightly surprised that, instead of walking home, I'm again at the mouth of the cave.

Let us truly live.

Gratitude-A Walk in the Woods

So I've begun recovery. Sobriety.  And I'm finding that at my core I'm always licking my wounds.  I want to feel sorry for myself--an honest thank you to my wife for pointing that out.  I have plenty to feel sorry about--but feeling sorry for myself only produces more things for me to feel sorry about.  It's like getting lost in the woods and deciding to wander deeper into them because you're so angry about being lost.

Which brings up another thing about this early recovery.  I'm delusional.  I remember that scene in Return of the Jedi when Han Solo wakes up from being cryogenically frozen and realizes Luke is a Jedi.  He says, "I'm out of it for a little while and everyone gets delusions of grandeur."  Back to the 'lost in the woods' analogy.  I'm so lost that I blame everyone else for putting me in the woods or planting the trees--or God for growing them.  And I delude myself into not taking responsibility for my own feet bringing me there.  And I'm angry.  Very angry.  That I'm in this place and there are consequences for being there.  I'm angry at God and all those people.  There is a saying in recovery that consequences are our guideposts to reality.  Well, they are my guideposts to getting out of the woods.

So, what is the antidote?  In my first week in real sobriety I am hearing this resounding voice calling for gratitude.  Gratitude for the pain, the suffering, and the truth--and for seeing and hearing all of those in others.  Gratitude for being able to see the hurt around me in those I love because of me. Gratitude for glimpsing the destruction and the crazy incalculable costs.  Gratitude for the gift of who my wife is and who my family is.  Their love before, through, since, and even now.  Gratitude for friendship and a recovering community.  Gratitude for work and home and all things provided to us.  And, finally, gratitude to my Lord.  He has always loved me and he has always been gently urging me to climb out of this raging river of addiction (thanks for the metaphor Carnes).  He has followed me downstream as I have been drowning casting one life raft after another.  He is constantly working for redemption.  My ga'al.

And, so it is with gratitude.  It is blazing path out of these dark woods as I turn around to take these first steps.  Anger, delusion, addiction, suffering are ahead even deeper, but I have turned around to follow this beautiful road of well-lit suffering and gratitude.  Let us truly live.