So I've begun recovery. Sobriety. And I'm finding that at my core I'm always licking my wounds. I want to feel sorry for myself--an honest thank you to my wife for pointing that out. I have plenty to feel sorry about--but feeling sorry for myself only produces more things for me to feel sorry about. It's like getting lost in the woods and deciding to wander deeper into them because you're so angry about being lost.
Which brings up another thing about this early recovery. I'm delusional. I remember that scene in Return of the Jedi when Han Solo wakes up from being cryogenically frozen and realizes Luke is a Jedi. He says, "I'm out of it for a little while and everyone gets delusions of grandeur." Back to the 'lost in the woods' analogy. I'm so lost that I blame everyone else for putting me in the woods or planting the trees--or God for growing them. And I delude myself into not taking responsibility for my own feet bringing me there. And I'm angry. Very angry. That I'm in this place and there are consequences for being there. I'm angry at God and all those people. There is a saying in recovery that consequences are our guideposts to reality. Well, they are my guideposts to getting out of the woods.
So, what is the antidote? In my first week in real sobriety I am hearing this resounding voice calling for gratitude. Gratitude for the pain, the suffering, and the truth--and for seeing and hearing all of those in others. Gratitude for being able to see the hurt around me in those I love because of me. Gratitude for glimpsing the destruction and the crazy incalculable costs. Gratitude for the gift of who my wife is and who my family is. Their love before, through, since, and even now. Gratitude for friendship and a recovering community. Gratitude for work and home and all things provided to us. And, finally, gratitude to my Lord. He has always loved me and he has always been gently urging me to climb out of this raging river of addiction (thanks for the metaphor Carnes). He has followed me downstream as I have been drowning casting one life raft after another. He is constantly working for redemption. My ga'al.
And, so it is with gratitude. It is blazing path out of these dark woods as I turn around to take these first steps. Anger, delusion, addiction, suffering are ahead even deeper, but I have turned around to follow this beautiful road of well-lit suffering and gratitude. Let us truly live.
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